'Yen kitta va sharanya. naan unna vazhka muzhusa santhoshama vechikiren' .Thats what he told me with tears in his eyes which made me to accept his committment after a lot of thought.Which still stays fresh im my mind.But for the first time he has broken his promise and wasnt given enough time to keep his word.
I have been avoiding to do this so long. Dunno why.Pbly because there is no particular point where I can start talking abt karthee or stop somewhere. Pbly because in me writing I somehow have to accept that he is gone for good. Something that hasnt yet gone in..
I dont remember at which point karthee and i got close. But one thing is that right from the first day of coll until the last I have always had him along with me standing by; supporting me and encouraging me to hold on during all my times of foolish and immature behaviour. spking of that I still remember the day when Aruna told me that tho im older to karthee our relationship will have a strong bonding because mentally he is much much more older and wiser than me. Its true! karthee is. But I have also had the oppurtunities to see the real child in him. Adorably cute and annoyingly irritating at times.His last exactly 20 days in 4 different hospitals I saw him becoming a kid again. Always insecure, undergoing pain and wanting someone to sit by his side,holding his hand,talking to him and at times rubbing his stomach or forehead to relieve him of any pain, that person mostly being either his mom or me. But those days, now thinking back are too excruciatingly painful.I try my best to think of happier times but having seen him suffer, only those moments keep comin bak. Pbly thats another reason I have been putting off writing this blog for him. Cos i know that knowingly or unknowinglyI ll put in a few words abt his last days that many might not want to read or hear of. Pls bear with me.
Karthee for me and my family, was Way of Life.To me he is Life!Period! he lived in my house with me. My mom eventually realised she has got 2 children. His needs, wants, desires, dislikes and satisfaction were gladly put forth even before mine or dad's or even ammamma's.I have never been bothered. But im sure it wd ve bothered my dad at some point. In spite of it he has never shown it cos ultimately karthee became his son too.After coll at 2, even before me it wd be karthee suggesting 'veetukku polam va. enakku pasikkidhu. saptu thoonganon'. And then we would come home by atleast 3; finish our lunch by an hour or so(an hour for karthee to show his usual culinary skills making egg manchurian, chillurian and so on..). After lunch he wd never allow me to clean up the place and finish with kitchen work. He wd want to sleep.'Nee inga en kooda vanthu thoongu. Apparama antha velai ellen pathukalan'. Finally giving in to his such kind of childish wishes I ll go spend time with him,talking and laughing until he falls asleep. Later I used to finish up with all my daily chores at home. By the time I finished he wd still be fast asleep. I have always tried my best to not wake him up from his sleep.He hated that tho he never showed it on me.I wd try everything to keep from disturbing him.Read, listen to music, browse the net and so on. Finally I will end up sitting simply and watching him sleep( a habit of mine that stayed on till his last which usually bugged him but never complained). Dunno if it was his feelin that someone was watching him,He wd instantly wake up n try going back to sleep. Finally he wd give up. By then it wd be time for my parents to return from work. After that it was always talk till 8 or so. Abt day to day stuff, our proposed higher studies, our supposed to be shared accomodation once we get there, the stuff that he got to bring by himself n I had to by myself and so on.. nothin that we havnt spoken about. It was like family time. Something that even I had never experienced until my 19 yrs when he came along. We would later sit down to playing cards and will continue till abt 1 or 2 in the morn with dinner fitted somewhere in between. This used to be our daily routine; not jus a day in a week but every single day. Weekends were different tho. He wd spend some time with 'hostel pasanga' and ‘class pasanga’ playing almost the whole day. He wd arrive in the evenings sweating profusely with an appetite no one can match.
First yr. I remember when right from the very first day I faced probs with the so called ‘gang’. I used to spend all my time with raju,kk,aruna,tejas mundhra and vinny. Gals in our class pbly thought I was a tom boy or somethin but only karthee knew I had probs at home and at coll. And from that very first day he stood by me giving me all the support a friend wd need. Eventually I realised that in his circle of frenz I was always allowed little more freedom and familiarity than the others. Something which I never made use of. .The same could be said for me too. Why we never got over familiar was because respected each other.a lot. Call it fear at times. The longing that we have to stick by each other no matter what happens. But it was always there. Even after we got into a relationship by the third yr. we respected each other a lot. Pbly one reason why we never used to get into frequent fights and arguments like other couples. And it was somethin karthee and I wre proud of. The mutual respect and understanding we had of each other at all times when we wre frenz and even at a later development of a relationship.Such kind of a relationship and a friendship with am amazing understanding wavelength and repect like ours is never again possible between any two ppl in this world. That was how it was between us in spite of small arguments and fights which came later on which would also immediately disappear the min our eyes met.
It was karthee, I can say who made me really grow up. I remember the numerous occasions when I have had serious troubles at home. All I did was cry on his shoulder. But all those times he would advice me. Not as how I shd be advised but He wd tell me and make me understand stuff using my own ideologies. At one point I realized a lot of things I stopped having probs at home. My parents had also noticed the vast change in me. And knowing the bond that karthee and I shared used to thank him for standin by me. I think it was at that point my parents also realized that karthee was indeed the right person for me.So when he approached them on dec14th, his b’day,at 1 o clock in the night, saying that he liked me and was interested in a life with me with their blessings of course, my parents could only agree with just one condition that he gets settled and then see later on if the same liking continued and got reciprocated. They dint know and to this point don’t know that it was always reciprocated.
Karthee and I wd be sitting sometimes feeling totally jobless wanting to go out and spend time with others. But we wd say’ indha pasangala namba mudiyadhu. Ellarum varen varennu sollitu yaarun vara mattanga.’ That moment precisely he would take the phone aNd make calls to ppl possible and the way he used to speak I would sit awestruck! He wd say in to the phone to everyone’ macham enga da irukeenga? Naanga evalo nerama inga vandhu wait pannitirkon. Ticket kooda gali aha pothu. Eppo varuveenga?’ and the guys, our own classmates, would easily fall for it thinking its some plan which was made but forgotten and within a matter of half an hour there wd be a decent crowd enough to go out and spend time with. Karthee was sometimes diplomacy personified!
I could go on and on. So much are the stuff that we have spoken about. There is never a thing that we havnt shared. The best of conversations I have had with him are the silences that we shared. Mostly at the beach sittin on the lawn, staring at the sky and laughing together in silence. There are times when we have literally heard music from within at those moments because we were what can be termed as blissfully happy.at times when he loses his temper I have really had to hold him by the reins. Because karthee’s temper was unbearably too dangerous. No one has seen it. Having spent lots of time with him myself I have seen it only a couple or more times. But, without having to exaggerate I can easily say that one wd have to literally hold him from bashing up the person in front when he gets angry. One such instance is when we went to virudhunagar and were watchin paruthiveeran in his theatre, a guy sitting in front of us was smoking every 2 mins. The smoke was coming on directly to me and his sister who were sittin beside him. He tried telling that guy patiently. But when the guy turned back and bad mouthed his sister and me karthee totally lost it. He went extremely mad.he almost bashed the guy up. And all we could do was drag him out of the theatre fearing an out and out physical fit there. That night in our own private world when we were lying on his terrace in the darkness, staring at a sky and watching a meteorite go by( the first time for both of us; we had never seen one earlier) he confessed that it had been very long since he lost his temper like that and that if I hadn’t held him things wd have surely got out of hand. Then later;laughing, he told me’ avanukku naanga than theatre ownernnu theriyadhu nenaikaren. naan thappu panniten sharanya. Paisa eduthu avan mooongille veesi vellile poga sollirkanno’. Tho this might sound a bit egoistic comin from karthee in that tone and at that moment was very funny. We laughed abt it for a long time. But I had never seen him lose his head like that ever. Something even closer. But not that bad. Even at home when I was made to do work or scolded by my parents I have seen him hold himself trying his best not to get into the conversations and arguments. But the moment I weaken he would be around me consoling me forgetting all about parents then. My mom always told me in his absence that I was lucky to have a guy like him who took so good care of me whenever I fell sick and who cdnt bear the thought of a tear swelling up in my eye. It meda me proud to hear it from my own mother.
When my sister(who is the closest after karthee and my parents) came once from kerela during our end of first yr, I brought home kavya and karthee to introduce them. We hadn’t got committed or expressed anything to each other then tho it was always in our minds. We spent sometime together. My sister right from my birth has always been so protective abt me. She has never seen me as a cousin and I always came before her own kids and husband. She calls me her first child. Its pbly because of this bonding that she noticed the tension and chemistry between me and karthee. And within barely an hour and half of spending time with him she walked up to me and asked’ does he love you?’ I was shocked beyond words. Cos then it was a fact that I had not wanted to admit to myself and to have someone like my sister to ask me this que straight forward and term it with a pbly then strong word as love shook me. I told her that I do have ‘certain so called feelings’ abt him but never accepted it or called it love.curious tho I asked her what made her ask the que. She answered that the guy hadn’t taken his eyes off me from the min he stepped into the house when I walked around doing work completely unaware of it. She told’ sharanya , he looks madly in love with you. I can see it in his eyes’ it was something I had refused to accept until the third yr.Later even my mom seemed to have noticed it cos she used to make fun of both of us in the other’s absence how one’s eye wd follow the other. Another instance when I felt vainly proud of karthee.
Karthee has always been the chivalrous man for me thought most of them wdnt have seen how we were as a couple. We never used to dream of intricate details of the future. That the first thing any guy or a gal in love wd do. But before either of us cd do it karthee stopped me. He said’ naaliakku indha asai nadakame pochu na nee rumba kashta paduve. I don’t want that to happen. So lets take one step at a time and enjoy those moments which come to us gradually’. I listened to him and we mostly never spoke of a future of marriage. Just here and there sometimes. But mostly it was always abt getting settled soon enough to marry me and vice versa.he dint want the others in class also to see us in that light. That’s why everyone wd have seen both of us as close frenz and not more. But in spite of all this at point we started dreaming together. And mental and physical closeness and dependence on each other that we denied ourselves with initially became normalcy as days when by. He used to often make fun of me sayin ‘unakku vekkame pada theriyadha?’ it was true. I never did much. But in spite of that two instances when I have consciously blushed cos of him wre; on april 20th when he was taking down everyone’s address and means of communication ppl made fun in general saying that its not necessary that these addresses shd remain unchanged. I remember that min when karthee without thinking twice said’ irukira address therinjavanga ezhudhunga da. 5 varshathukku apron intha address vechu than ungallukku invitation thedi varon’. I had never seen karthee make outward statements like that. So immediately I blushed and turned away so that he wdnt see it. Another instance was the on the last day I spent with him. I helped him sit up. Fed him his food and cleaned him up and made him lie down again. He was panting badly which then was due to his very bad health and lack of stamina. There was a nurse then, inside the room who was giving me the medicines for karthee. At that point he called me near him. His throat was all bad at that time as ceptocemia had got the worst of it. His voice was always very hoarse then and he cd not speak in whispers. But then when he called me he took my hand and placed it on his chest. He asked me’ unakku kekkudha?’ I got scared that fearing he has developed pain in the chest and went even closer. Those wrer the days when I spoilt him rotten treating him like a real kid. So in my cajoling manner possible holding his hand in one and placing my other palm on his chest asked ‘ enna da? Valikidha? ‘ he said ‘ille. But unakku satham kekkudhe? En nenju adikira satham?’ I got relieved then and explained as how I wd to a kid that ‘ illa ma. Nee eppovume valayadittu vandha unakku heart eppidi adikyun? Adhe madiri than da. Ippo nee weak ah irukke le? Ippo thatne ezhunthu saptu paduthirke.That is why un heart nee konjon strain panna kooda ippidi adikithu da’ . he was lost inside my eyes then and nodded absently. I thought it was the end of the conversation and almost turned back to the nurse who was waiting to give me instructions reg his med when he called me again.’ Unakku theriyuma eppo ennakku rombo jasthi adichrkku nu?’ I smilingly asked eppo da expecting a reply abt some match that he had to stand till the end and play as a reply. But he took by surprise when he replied in no secretive whisper that’ un kooda irumbodhu, nee pakkathille irukkum bodhum dhan ennakku eppovume jasthi adichirkku’. I blushed like no one can possibly do and was thankful for the anti allergic mask that I was wearing which was compulsory in the sterile room that he was using, and turned away. He. In the same hoarse voice then shouted ‘ vekka padathe’. But by then I had gone all red. The presence of the nurse in the same room adding to it;took of the mask biting my cheek inside showed him.’ Paru da! Naan eppovechu vekka patturkena?neeye sollu;;’ its one moment of many that I ll never forget in my life.
i remember the long conversations we have had abt each and every person in the class and almost all the individuals surrounding us in our society. The ppl that he liked, disliked, could bear with, admired and respected. Owing to our strinkingly similar wavelengths we always agreed on everythin. He taught me how to react. How to behave. How to show happiness. How to control temper. How to live for urself. How to be independent. How to be focused. He taught me to live. Taught me to love. He showed me what real happiness was. He made a human out of me. This min I am what I am because of all that he has made out of me. That’s one fact even my own parents agree with.
I wanted to write a lot of things abt him. Abt all the experiences and the conversations we have shared and enjoyed but at this point there are so many things that I have to say abt him all of which cannot be put down at one time. Because the time I have spent with him might be jus three yrs but the stuff that I can talk of and remember and thank him for is for an eternity.
Reading back on the whole thing it sounds like its been more abt me and karthee rather than more of him.pls bear with me for it. But now my mind seems void of any rational behaviour or explanation and have just put down what came to me in my thoughts at the moment. I will keep posting regularly more of what he was. As an individual. And as human being. Esp a perfectionist! But by now everyone knows that.
Karthee. You have touched lives deeply in ways that seems impossible. But its true you have. I am only able to wish circumstances were different in my sake and at this moment I was at
